Family secrets: tell or not?Article By: Jennifer Gruden
When does privacy become harmful? Prevent family secrets from becoming toxic.
When Madeleine*, 53, of Laval, Quebec, lost her father and mother in the same year she was deeply saddened by the loss. What made it devastating, however, was discovering while going through family records that she had been adopted. She immediately called her aunt. “She said that everyone in that generation knew, but that there had been no reason to talk about it.” Madeleine says with emotion still present in her voice, “I was so angry. I had what I considered a good relationship with my parents, and this really made me feel like it had been founded on a lie.” Years later, and after a successful search for her biological family, Madeleine came to believe that her parents were doing the best that they could. “Secrecy was so common then. I am still angry that they didn't choose to tell me later – after all my mother watched Oprah, she must have had some idea that it was information that should be shared. But I know that they were products of their generation too… their generation just didn't talk about those things. They must have had advice not to tell me.” Madeleine's story is just one of many where a long-held family secret brings more anger and sadness about the secret keeping than the secret itself. Most, if not all, families keep secrets which range from the minor and even funny to large and destructive. A certain degree of privacy can be important in order for individuals to grow and learn, as John Bradshaw discusses in the opening chapter of his book Family Secrets: The Path to Self-Acceptance and Reunion. But other secrets can become toxic, threatening the individual's sense of health, bonding, and personal identity. Family secrets are particularly important because the creation of secrets and the reasons for keeping them can profoundly affect a child's sense of purpose and self. If you are a family secret-keeper, or if you suspect your family has kept secrets from you, it can be difficult to decide what to do. A thoughtful approach will help you navigate the waters.
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