Art of stepgrandparenting

There are two ways to become a stepgrandparent. The first is when you yourself remarry and your stepchildren either already have, or have had children. The second is when your children remarry. Either situation brings similar challenges, although the grandchildren's emotions are likely to run higher when it's their own parents who have remarried – and their own living arrangements, holidays schedules, and so on, which have changed.

What to expect
Ideally a stepgrandparent becomes a special resource within the family – another person to love the grandchildren and another resource for elder insight into life's challenges. But it's not a role that happens overnight. Stepchildren and their children may be slow to welcome you into their family. The best approach to take is a long-sighted one: don't demand acceptance or love right away. Think of making an opportunity for a relationship rather than creating an “instant family.”

A common sticky area is discipline and childrearing practices. One valuable piece of advice given to stepparents and grandparents is not to take on a disciplinary role with non-biological children, particularly early into a relationship (except where there is a need for physical safety, of course). Stepgrandchildren are unlikely to see you as having any authority over them, and if their initial impression is that you are trying to control them, it may be a long time – if ever – that they begin to see you as friend and family. If discipline problems arise, take them up quietly with your child, and let him or her tell you how they would like you to handle them.

Remember that in the case of your child remarrying, he or she is likely struggling with how to align his or her parenting with the new partner – a large challenge in and of itself – and so there may be a period where “the rules” are changing or not enforced in the same way. Listening during this time can be much more important than giving advice or wishing for the “old days.”